Today is Trans Day of Visibility. If I could pass along any message for today, it would be Transgender Is Normal. On my social media, as well as in real life, I have many transgender friends. We are all people, faces, hearts, parents, friends, loved ones, humans. One person I know works as a bus driver, one person is a barista, another a truck driver, a musician, an artist, a graphic designer, a writer, a counselor, an electrician, a cashier. We are everywhere, we can be anyone. We are a normal variation of the human experience, like the ranging colors of skin that can’t be chosen or changed, so is gender. Gender identity is valid, is normal, and is relative to one’s own experience.
While conversing with an elder person yesterday, they began to explain to me that being born with a penis meant one was a male, and being born with a vagina meant one was a female. I calmly explained that in life we may have been given two options on paper, but in reality, it’s not exactly the case. There have been articles I’ve read concerning assigned female children reaching the age of puberty to find their bodies developing a penis and having testicles descend. There are instances of intersex individuals, which fall under three classifications: physical, chemical, chromosomal. The current statistic is equating the chance of being born intersex to being born with red hair. Meaning, there are as many intersex people as there are people with red hair. Which, for me I can think of eight people with red hair, so it’s more common than you might think. Recently, I had an interesting conversation with a fellow transgender activist, about using storytelling as a form of activism. It seems many folks I encounter still miss the point. My activism is directly speaking to people about being transgender. When attempting to speak to one person yesterday. I began with the usual “Hi, there. My name is James. My wife and I are transgender activists.” From there I generally go on to explain a short dialogue about our story, our outreach, our blog, even at times sharing statistics about transgender suicidality, poverty levels, and victim rates. However, this time the outcome wasn’t pleasant, I was barely given a chance to speak. She believed I was trying to underhandedly get something from her. She kept bringing the conversation back to how I must want something from her. She accused me of having an “agenda”. Which is completely true, there is an agenda. We want to use our story to encourage others to be accepting of differences, to spread awareness of intersectional issues, and to inspire folks to do outreach/activism in their own unique ways. Story-telling is absolutely activism and is a form of direct action. This confronts people’s ideas of normal, their beliefs on who transgender people are. We are normal people. We’ve been told we are wrong for who we are, we are not. We want to be heard, seen, validated, accepted, and loved as ourselves. Essentially, spreading love is the agenda. Activism comes in various forms. There’s no right way to be an activist, however there is a wrong way. Hurting others, expressing violence, destroying property, these are wrong. Using adult language however, is freedom of speech and expression. Using destructive, dangerous tactics to get a point across is completely outrageous and unacceptable, in my opinion. I wish others felt the same way. However, for a long time it was difficult for me to live this way. Especially, after much pain in life, many disappointing events and even people, and after being a disappointment myself. Once able to move past these negative events, I found more effective coping skills which helped me process negative occurrences. I came to a better understanding of how important communication is, which helped to build better relationships. Being able to accept the memories from the past, enabled me to be empowered to tell our story and to not be ashamed. Real people having real conversations is the best way I know to bring awareness. I like bringing intersectionality into everyday tasks, like grocery shopping, a trip to the gas station, a quick run over to the dollar store, picking up an item at the toy store, visiting the candy shop. I’m there engaging hearts and minds, delivering the message of acceptance of diversity and love of all humans. Today is Trans Day of Visibility, but really everyday is for me.
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Tuesday 28 March 2017
Today was a disability appointment with a retired orthopedic surgeon. The disability department hadn’t sent them my medical records, making it difficult for the doctor to know what I am dealing with. He performed a physical exam; we discussed my diagnoses, pain, and a normal day for me. One more appointment to go over the mental aspects of my disability such as anxiety, major depressive disorder, as well as PTSD. This month has been quite exciting. Katherine was taken on as a staff member with the Trans Lifeline. She is now a team lead, working the overnight shift, so the lifeline can officially be 24 hours. She has been assigned team members, they are new volunteers. She has been training, assisting, and supporting the newcomers on her team this past week. She began her new shift time tonight. The tee shirt fund-raiser is still going. Just a few more days to get your shirt, the campaign ends on April 4th. We have sold the first two shirts. However, we need your help to get to our goal. The worst part of this to me, is we can’t afford to order our own shirts, plus we have to pay for five shirts if we don’t sell them. So, if this isn’t successful, we could very well be paying over $100 to the shirt company, instead of turning this blog into a source of income. So, if you believe in the work and outreach we are doing, please help us! Some exciting things to come this summer. We’ve been working alongside another activist on a project that will be announced soon! We think it’s going to be really awesome! The blog has had 6,352 page views! We’re very happy to see how things are unfolding for us here in California. If you like our blog, tell us what you think! Thanks for reading! This week, I want to share with you all, snip-its from my journal. I really hope this is something you all can enjoy reading. Also, if you don’t keep a journal, you totally should!
August 7, 2014 Journaling is a past time I’ve done sporadically my entire life since I was about six years old. The very first birthday present I received when I turned 6, was a red journal with a lock and key. The first birthday present I ever gave to Katherine was a leather bound journal and a pen. Encouraging the artist, encouraging the outlet. Receiving this journal last night made me cry. It’s such a fitting and perfect gift between us. Plus, last year I gave Katherine a journal I had decorated. I think everything happens for a reason and is connected. For now, that is all. November 21st, 2015 Mentally and emotionally It’s been a whirl wind! I’ve read several books, well honestly, I’ve started reading several books but only actually finished three: They were: “The Cat’s Cradle”, “Don’t Eat The Daisies”, and “A Lesson Before Dying”. Also studied, a few new things recently: Buddhism, Microtrends, the history of Portland, Passages of Life, and Investments. We’ve met some other travelers along the way. People that I never want to forget. I’ll always carry their good favor with me, the well wishes. Now it’s time to get laundry from the dryer, fold them, and return to my humble abode. Until next time... Laundry is folded into his, hers, and theirs all sorted. I need a dew-fill. James and Katherine Blake... Take on the world! Not really, it’s more like the world, the universe has taken us on.. On out to this land of mystery and wonder. This land of trees, mountains, beaches, and opportunity. We look forward to a home here. We look forward to making many memories here in the Pacific Northwest. I hope to get a phone tomorrow to take care of business on Monday. There is a place in Portland that will pay for housing up to 70% for up to a year. That would be a great benefit to us. To give our kids a better home and life. Ourselves too... November 25th, 2015 I’m feeling the countless others that have traveled this way before us, that have succeeded or have had the excitement of success pushing them forward to their goals. Our goals aren’t of success, corporate ladders, or possessions. Our goals are raising happy, loving kids, traveling, gaining knowledge, and staying together despite any trials we face. This is the first time I’ve truly committed myself to my family and my own life. This is the first time I’ve really been proud of the person I’m with and proud of myself. I guess you can say, it was destiny. A seriously modern fairy tale of separated lovers in youth, reunite a dampened firelight of love that never died. As we rekindled our love, dealt with our PTSD, and grew up the hard way, we discovered ourselves and a new way of life together. We pledged ourselves as life long travelers together and pledged our hearts to one another. We trudge on daily, a little closer to our goal. As life long travelers on this winding, never ending highway, life. Katherine is the reason I try harder, every day more than the last, to do better. I used to not be this way. Oh no, before us, I settled. Before us, I was complacent in a boring life with a mediocre partner and a dull apartment. Now, I’m James. A father, husband, entrepreneur, nurse, best friend, super hero, and I like James better. The mundane lifestyle I led drove me mad, but I drank, among other behaviors, to kill pain, sadness, guilt and regret, and being in hate of myself. I felt ashamed to be me. To be Fancy’s daughter, to be that person my heart shudders to hear the name of ... That person was ugly, hurt, broken, afraid, numb. I, James, am very much alive and that person is dead. I no longer see them when looking in the mirror. I see me, James. The man I’ve grown to be. I see Kat’s hubby, J&J’s daddy. I see someone I’m proud to be—finally! Right under the surface, all along was me! Thanksgiving November 26th, 2015 My morning started out by the news of a friend passing away. She was a highly active member of the community of Lowndes County. She had a crippling disease that put her in a wheelchair since childhood. She never allowed that to hold her back from life! She donated thousands of hours of her life to Contact helpline and the local arts center. As well as participating in classes for various reasons like fitness at the university in town. She made her own jewelry and sold her items to folks through her social media. Although we didn’t always talk, we did keep tabs on one another’s lives. She was a good person and friend. May my sweet friend go on to her perfect, complete form. Saturday November 28th, 2015 Today was sad news as Katherine learned of her grandfather’s passing. This morning around 8:00 am, her grandmother went to see her grandfather at the hospital for breakfast. He had gotten very short of breath, distressed, and since he was a DNR, he was removed from the ventilator. He was originally in for gall bladder removal, but was placed in ICU. A couple days after the surgery he seemed to be doing better, however, I learned as a nurse, that’s sometimes the case, one last boost before they pass. Katherine’s father said he went to visit his dad the day before, and wished to have the truck pulled around so he could be taken home. It would have been nice for him to have passed at home. Of course, they didn’t take him home, and he passed at the hospital. Her grandfather donated his body to medical science. He will be sent to MARI, then after a year, the remains will be sent back to the family for burial. Her grandfather was a unique person, kind, and generous. Kat’s grandparents used to house prisoners after their release. Even forgiving and allowing a convict back into their home after stealing his truck. Such a lesson here for me. Wednesday December 2nd, 2015 We traveled Colorado, with taxes and a car wreck settlement looking for a camper van for ourselves. We located one in Manitou Springs, just outside of Colorado Springs. We were so happy to have a bigger vehicle with lots of storage! We had our little flutterby, 2005 Dodge Neon SXT 5 speed. It was nice but tiny for a family of four and all our belongings too. No room or comfort. We were able to get a hotel voucher or pay for a room a few nights when it was extremely cold, below zero, lots of snow. We had heat in both vehicles we would just run them all night or periodically when it would be too frigid. We have lots of blankets, several warm outfits that are interchangeable and layerable for warmth. The kids have big comfy seats, room to play in our camper home. We’ve considered a bumper pull to make things more comfortable for ourselves. So, we found out yesterday the family put our dead names in the paper, had our names separated and even the children's names off by theirselves, not listing us as a family unit. Very hurtful to say the least. However, our new names aren’t legal and our marriage is common law, so perhaps that’s why. There are several things on our list to accomplish in the coming months. Wednesday December 3rd, 2015 I feel as if I’m on the brink of the rest of my life. Like being on the beginning of my journey to my life’s destiny. I feel it’s rather ironic that our parents and families disowned us right after we changed our entire lives for the better. 1) First and most important we stopped using drugs and alcohol 2) We became vegetarian / vegan 3) We went back to studies 4) We stopped all violence 5) We finally came out as transgender and feel an enormous burden has been lifted Now when needing support the most, we’ve only had each other. Well, I applaud us for staying together despite all the raining down of negativity and family insisting we separate. We will prevail! Love wins, hate and prejudice loose the four of us. We kept writing home with good news and they kept responding with ill things to say. I told Katherine I needed time to heal from our damage we caused ourselves. We couldn’t stay apart, so we took a year to repair and restore our hearts, lives, family, and relationship. Now, we have had time to process our feelings, find the source of our inner anger and come to a resolution for our issues. We are finally at a place where we are ready to re-integrate as James and Katherine. With our families recanting their love, approval, acceptance, and relationships we feel perhaps it was never there to begin with. Before realizing I am a man, I felt dead inside, pent up with rage. Hating myself and punishing others for loving me. I’m done hating myself because I’ve done wrong. I really feel it’s not a matter of wrong or right. I feel it’s a matter of normal exploring of varying patterns of behavior. An exploration of sorts, hands-on, one’s own moral values and personal boundaries. Not white and black, good and bad, but mere searching for what one’s own soul views as right for oneself. Anyway, I feel everything in my life up until this point has been a lesson or a fork in the road to inevitably bring me to these revelations. 1) That all humans are equal in spirit (whether in touch with reality or not) 2) That capitalism and totalitarian agriculture are destroying our planet 3) That all souls want for perfect love and acceptance regardless of skin shell 4) A soul knows it’s own identity regardless of the skin shell 5) More love should go to the Earth and all of it’s inhabitants Friday December 4th, 2015 For three days now my back has been increasingly hurting and I’m ready for it to increasingly feel better! Well, in less than a week I’ll be seeing the doctor about my first testosterone injection. I’ll probably have to self inject, that’s really no big deal. I wanted both children bad enough to self inject Lovonox blood thinner, twice a day for complications due to 4G/4G. I’m rather excited about HRT. The part I’m looking forward to the most is the relief of the internalized anger of living as an assigned female. Friday December 4th, 2015 I feel as if mine and Katherine’s love is why we’ve had to be strong to get back together. Like our love is the greatest and strongest love of all time. Like it’s so powerful, it could change the world. We fought hard to be together, stay together, and keep one another. We fought hard to stay alive, fought hard to be heard, and understood, loved unconditionally. Longing for the one person that understood, that could see the person each of us had within us. The us others lacked to see, refused to see. Outward appearances societal norms shaped our own perceptions as well. Sunday December, 6th 2015 Yesterday my back was hurting quite badly. We try hard to live in thankfulness and appreciation. We live like minimalists, with tiny living. We want a home, however we want to stay avoiding capitalism. We don’t want to consume and die. We want to learn and help. We have a strong desire to do great things in our lives, but mainly to share knowledge, change minds, and be at peace. Friday December 11th, 2015 So, yesterday was my appointment at Outside In, to begin hormone replacement therapy. I had the biggest, silliest grin the whole afternoon. My first shot was rather filled with emotions. Mostly anxious, butterfly nervousness, excitement, and just plain happiness. Within minutes I was experiencing a warmth inside my core and on the back of my neck. Next, is what I can only describe as a slowly increasing calmness and peace that came over me, and it hasn’t left. I feel the changes within me already beginning. It’s a long process of phasing out the old hurt, false self, and scraping back the years of torment that living as an assigned female caused for me. Slowly, I sculpt James from deep within my soul! Here I come world, look out! Saturday December 12th, 2015 Pre-HRT, I was a lot different in my reactions to emotions. Before I couldn’t tell which emotion I had. It would always come out as anger anytime I felt the least disturbance. Now, each time I’ve been sad or something has happened to make me upset. I feel differently, calmer, and I’ve been able to keep a better head, think clearly what is holding me back or really on my heart. Sunday December 13th, 2015 Katherine and I both long for a platform in which to speak out for transgender citizens, class oppression, racial discrimination. We wish to change the minds of the prejudiced and bigoted. We wish to open the hearts of many. Embrace the individuality, embrace the differences, embrace the changing world around us. Stop making people suffer by concealing their true selves. Stop the judgments, broaden the horizons, and teach acceptance. Show the horrids of our society. Expose the rape culture and death cultures for what they are. Morals, are for hypocrites—Value, that’s the ticket. The values of a person, community, and society, is the most important. How others, how people value humans. Humans today focus on what separates them from another group of people. Deluding themselves that some people have more innate value than others. They are wrong. I want understanding; a shift in global acceptance and understanding. We wish for change, and hope for more love in the world. We may even succeed—one heart, and one mind at a time... Being a trans person isn’t anything to be ashamed of or scared about. It’s of course different than being cis-gender. Being a transgender man, for me, is like the engineer put the motor of a 1972 Pontiac Judge into a 2014 Toyota Prius.. The outside so doesn’t match the engine running the car. Although, I’m not certain that motor would fit in the Prius, the point is the same. Still Sunday 12/13.2015 I want a home for our little family; a husband, a wife, and two kids. Blessed be all who have seen to my heart, felt my soul, and in faith reached out in compassion to help another. Blessed be all who have been in a simiilar situation and been oppressed, denied, or hurt by the ignorance and cruelties of others. Tonight, while using a public facility’s public microwave, to heat up our dinner, a worker all but assaulted me trying to throw me out of the establishment for using the device. He forcibly removed the food, and tried yelling to get me to leave. Other customers were around and saw him treating me this way, but said nothing. So, I told him he had customers to attend to and I wasn’t done using the microwave and as soon as I am, I will leave. He then threatened calling the police, I told him he was “being a dick”, and that customers were still waiting. I did complete my task, as I exited the door, I told him loudly he was an asshole. I think since tomorrow is a Monday, I will be paying a visit to the manager. It’s ridiculous a paying customer is being thrown out for using the microwave. I’m assuming on the basis of us being homeless. December 21st Monday, 2015 Winter Solstice 7 days until Jayden’s fifth birthday, 4 days until the gift exchanging. I have applied to another job recently, waiting to hear back. We are going to Vancouver for supplies today. I messaged a lady named Eliza, that’s doing a photo shoot for the LGBTQ community. All proceeds go to her business for the queer community. We are potentially going to be in her trans/queer “holding hands” bit. “A trendy look at queer relationships”. Also, Kat is now moderator of a Facebook transgender support group. The group is for people to discuss issues related to being transgender. I have taken my second “T” shot. I am feeling great! We are stepping up on our online support of the community. It’s what we are passionate about! Wednesday December 23, 2015 Thinking about transition. I’m going to become way different on the outside and that’s both scary and exciting. I hope I still look good to my wife and myself. I’ve always wanted to be perceived and appreciated for my male dominated thoughts, actions, feelings, and behaviors. I’ve been thinking back to my childhood and upbringing. I can recall a time where I became obsessed with seeing penises and would even dream about myself having one. I can think back to the moment as an adult when I found out my father didn’t really appreciate having an assigned female child. He wanted sons. Well, he raised me to be his son, but never accepted me as such. Now, he’s no longer even admitting I’m his child at all. The irony that he took custody of me at 8, away from my mother, and then disowned me at thirty. Go figure! December 24th, 2015 We keep on trucking, from Denver to Grand Junction; from Pueblo to Boulder; from Spokane to Seattle; from Vancouver to Portland and lots in between. We keep on going to where we can finally feel like we fit in. These children are stoved-up and need a play day, but it’s been raining for 24 days straight. I want to find a good indoor place to take them. Both of them though, have their first runny nose of this winter, since this time last year. December 25th, 2015 A holiday of shopping and gift giving. We’ve made it a holiday of counting blessings instead. Hopefully we’ll be able to shower, and wash clothes. There is precious sunlight bathing our van right now. We wished a few folks Happy Holidays. A day filled with family cuddles, kisses, and playing, a few sweet treats, also a nap. January 13th, 2016 We made it through the New Year. We’ve had a good start to the year! I had an interview yesterday at a local call center. They sell approximately 150 products online. I’ll be working as a sales agent. It’s going to be part time, sounds neat. We are beginning the process for our legal name changes. I’m very excited about our progress here in Portland. February 2016 Today, it doesn't really matter the day. Although it’s early February. Right now I’m so mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted from this constant struggle. I can’t even clearly make a choice about anything. I’m frozen in place, trying in every way, everyday to keep making progress, at least personally. Greatness in all ways; heart, soul, body, mind, actions, decisions, life as a whole. I want to be able to give back. We are trying to reach out but are receiving mixed signals. I hope to be at a place of calm and serene in every action, thought, word, and decisions in life. I’ve tried to write about other things, but my mind and heart keep coming back to the pain. I’ve been so focused on the positive lately, I almost was able to overlook the opposite. Although, it probably is just me. I am just weirdly flawed. I don’t want to be this right now. I don’t. December 2016 Perhaps next year will be a good year for all of us. Katherine and I have had optimistic readings and happenings as well. We are in California, have been for about two months. We spent about a week and a half in Medford, Oregon. Prior to that we stayed one final week in Portland and before then we were in Seattle/Tacoma area for three weeks. Portland was our favorite so far. It’s been an adventure. I’m seeing the world in a whole new light and getting more sunshine too! 12/29/2016 As the year winds down to a close, we sit here in California with our windows open, and our lounging clothes on. The kids are asleep. We’ve gone back over the lessons and blessings of the last year and it’s been an unbelievable year. Many hours spent in outreach and activist work. We found our platforms and are reaching beyond our current projects, hoping to spread further, the message of acceptance, hope, and most importantly, love. Writing has been apart of my life for a very long time. Today, I would like to share works from my past.
05/04/1998 Dreamland As the weary eyes drift off into dreamland As the dew falls upon the petals of each rose A blackened velvet sheet lay over the world like a tight pillowcase A moonlit night reflects on the gentle, crystal clear waters As a star filled sky glows as it hits against the icy surface The day is yawning, the sun sleeps on its silken mattress of night The world turns and life goes on As people lie in bed dreaming of their fairy tales They have no reason to suspect that every evening day turns into night In an effortless strive to be beautiful Unknown 1998 Your Whole Life and That Little Star It is like a starry night, when you sit and gaze in wonder. When you feel as if you are miles and miles away from earth and from people. When life itself has just faded away. For a few moments you feel content and free. You have set aside your worries and griefs. You are now ready to face them as they are. Not always trying to change them, but now you understand why you were put here, why you belong here. Now everything is different, yet the same. You’re amazed and confused at the same time, how something so small, like a star, can change your whole life, your whole attitude towards life. Life, hmm... Life is complicated. Life is you. You are the only one that can change it. You are the only one that can keep it the same. You choose to eat or not to eat, to drive or not to drive, or to kill or not to kill. It’s your life, you can do many things to it, it can do many things to you. Just like that little star can change your whole life before your eyes. Before you know it... you and that little star have somehting in common—you are both so unique. Unknown 1998 Here With Me You are in my heart. You are here with me. Everyday you will be there. Even if you don’t love me, Even if you don’t care. To me, in my heart you will stay there. I don’t care what you think of me. Just say “I’ll be there” You will be there, physically or not. In my heart you will stay To guide me everyday. 06/01/1999 Dust in the Wind I lack the courage to go on. I am but dust in the wind. I cannot see, for your love has blinded me. I no longer can feel love, you stole that from me. It is you I love, you and only you. It has always been and always will be you that I love. You have made me weak, I am down on both knees begging you to come back to me. I lack the courage to go on with out you. I am but dust in the wind. I cannot see for you have blinded me. I was mistaken, it was not your love for me that had me blinded, but my love for you. All along you hated me, you used me and stripped me of the one thing that made us different. Love, I had loved once. I too was capable of loving, until you stole it away from me. I too can love. 05/04/2000 Revisit My Life Well, at first I had trouble coming up with something to write about. Then I started to think a little deeper. I found I have many things I could look back on. Usually I try to enjoy every moment I have. I try to appreciate everyone and what they have done for me. I can’t say that I haven’t had any happy moments in my life, because I have. For instance, the birth of my younger sister, and the recent marriage between my father and step-mother. There isn’t one specific time that I would like to change or revisit. I believe that I have appreciated their happenings to the fullest extent. I also believe that everything has happened to me for a reason. I remember most parts about my past. At any time my memory serves me well of these events. I recall them quite often, but I never regret not doing this or that. Everything in my past is a part of my personality. These events describe me and tell how I was sketched. Although my past isn’t as happy or as great as the past of some others, it is mine. It is part of my life I will never forget, it’s what makes me myself. There is definitely none other like me. Still you ask, which would I revisit? My answer is simply this: all of it. 03/20/2000 I am, I was, I am First I put my trust in people. I am confused. You used to say you loved me. You used to say you cared for me. I am lonely. You used to stay beside me. You used to be a friend to me. I am sad. You used to comfort me. You used to be here to talk with me. I was alone. You came to save me. You came to heal the pain in me. I was confused. You straightened things out for me. You guided the light to me. I was suicidal. You sheltered me. You came, as no one else would, to me. I am thankful. You took care of me, you loved me. You were beside me. You were a friend to me, you comforted me. You talked with me. You saved me. You healed me. You guided me, sheltered me and came to save me. You love me. You love me. I am, I was, I am. You were, you are, you always will be. 08/16/2001 Cast Away Dreary day, gloomy season, love without a reason. Sadness feels alone and weak Sadness fills her heart so meek Cast away to sit alone. All by herself but not to drone Lonely years spent soundly in her mind With thoughts that were a sin. Poisoned by their echoing laughter Her condemned mouth would never chatter Locked within herself she rumbled Then her soul began to crumble. Secretly escaping her hell, life. She knelt down as she began to cry. Her raging heart loudly breaking Because she knew her life was aching. 03/03/2000 Sins It came upon me suddenly Sadness has taken over Here I am mulling over past events Its raining outside-I watch the rain As I begin to cry. Tears flow like the ocean. Raindrops like the sea. Someone stop this gray feeling. My heart has gone away. The things I do are so blue. The world I live in is black. The world I know is bleak. People see me as mysterious- Their minds full of wonder. The rain grows harder now As my emotions grow stronger The only thing that seems real are my sins. The lies people throw are like wicks On a candle, they burn down into nothing. People are often telling their selves There is nothing to fear. “Fear is only for those that have sinned” All I have left, all that is true are my sins. 02/06/2001 Ode To A Woman Sleep, sleep for when you wake you’ll have trouble. Maybe you could live in a bubble. Never wanting child. Never a loving mother. Angels cry for they feel her daughter’s pain. Can you ever know what she didn’t gain? A mother that ignores the child. A mother that loves to give. Loves to give heartache. Someone that is longing to break. Breakdown and cry. Stand alone on the pedestal of addiction. Swaying in the breeze. Still waiting for her heart to unfreeze. Yearning for lost love. Begging for enough time. Burning on the outside, churning on the inside, Yet she taught her child so much. About reality and life. A person of several different covers. The mother of all mothers. Brought up by the harshness of the world. Trapped in a distant web. A series of months passes while the mother still hasn’t cried. And the pain of her daughter has died. It is like her feelings have rotted away. Gone to some far away land that not a soul can reach. The mother of a penetrated universe. Here to keep her purse. Here to buy herself time. Here to stay free, loveless, and lifeless. 02/06/2001 All Is Well Feelings with out warning. Rivers with no end. Fall asleep in a dream. Crimes with no suspect. Dolphins soar high above the sea. For a short moment they are free, Likewise, for me. All is well, too much is wrong. A well with a broken bucket. The priest with the Irish accent. The gray haired man that always complains. These people you will remember. These people you will carry with you for the rest of your days. Swelling at the head. Crying at the heart. Stars shine bright in the middle of the night. Flames caress the innermost nerve. Correction in a perfect world. Roses that smell sweet but fall to pieces with a touch. Dreams that haven’t an end. The beginning of the day. The end of the world. Time to start a new universe. All is well, too much is wrong. This last one was written when Katherine and I knew each other as youths. My Love My life is like a rose, it falls petal by petal. My love is like a strong gush of wind. For my only love, you are in my heart. You are in my thoughts night and day. You are on my mind at every hour. You alone make my heart beat. You make my every breath worth breathing. My every day worth living. You are my everything, my love. I hope you all enjoyed these little writings from my past. It’s really a window to see a bit clearer to what my childhood was like. When we decided to change our lives, we were prepared to make sacrifices. We figured it would take some time in Denver to regain our footing. We surely thought Denver, was the answer we'd been hoping for, as we researched the dozens of local resources.
We left from our townhouse in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. We drove the three hours to Columbus to say goodbye to our one remaining family member, Kat's father. Who had recently lost his home of twenty years to foreclosure and then resided in a smaller apartment. We stayed for about an hour, exchanged hugs, and departed for our grand journey, thousands of miles away. We were excited about the trip to the Midwest. We were hopeful about our future, but terrified of the unknown. Leaving our childhood home, for what felt like the final time, was heartbreaking, as well as liberating. Knowing there was a possibility we would never see the people we had known the majority of our lives ever again, we left to embrace ourselves, live by our blossoming value set, and make radical changes that were mandatory. I say mandatory because it was literally life or death for Katherine to transition, it was literally killing me inside as well. To live a lie, to bear false witness, to ignore my inner spiritual understanding of myself to identify merely as the arrangement of my human flesh, was suffocating my soul. I've seen folks saying some awful things about transgender people, for instance "this is a virus we must eliminate before it spreads". It sure felt like a virus, slowly destroying myself, slowly destroying every relationship, slowly deteriorating each aspect of my life. After self destructing several friendships, family ties, and my own life, I was at the extreme darkest moment, we both were. Writhing in agony, crying, screaming for relief, a pain so great, a torment so strong, we couldn't bare it any longer. From the ashes of those identities we killed, rose stronger, better, more resilient individuals. As we've began to uncover what lies under our surfaces, we found a raw beauty, a genuineness we had never experienced before. The more we deconstructed our old selves, the more we were able to build a more correct version of our inner realities. Through all of this, we've lost a lot of people who have been there a very long time. Recently, I lost my mother, for what seems like forever. I don't mean she died, that may not have hurt nearly as bad. Instead, she called me about three months ago, stating she had been lying for the past two years in accepting our transitions. She claimed to have lied about having her own gender questions earlier in life. She instructed me that if I call her, I am only to speak to her as my former identity. What's worse, is she said that I should stop this delusion, and go back to being a female completely. She informed me God had told her this was a lie and we both needed to stop lying and just be who God made us to be. After this conversation, I took over a month to let that really sink in deep. She had lied to me. She had been one way to us and one way to her sister and now hypocritical, as well as demanding of me to conform to her image of me, what she was comfortable with. Realizing my mother was a liar, a hypocrite, and two-faced, I called her to let her know I could no longer accept her in my life. Coming to realize, we have one family member left, has been rather isolating. Katherine's father has let us know he doesn't really understand, he doesn't want to judge, but that he accepts we've changed for the better. He says he loves us, no matter what, and he has been there for us more than anyone else. We've had to be real with him, confront him with openness, honesty, and love. We've found, that's all it takes. Love, honesty, and compassion. What doesn't make sense to me is why people believe this is a choice. I promote the blog on a regular basis. I literally go into the street and strike up conversations with strangers. I have hand written cards that contain our blog information. I say "Hi, there. I'm James, I'm transgender and so is my wife. We are involved in activism and outreach and have a blog. I'd like to share it with you and tell you what we've been working on." Sometimes I get a polite "No, thanks." Other times, the person I'm speaking with wants to ask questions, have a dialogue, and even donate a dollar to our cause. Then there are times that go way worse. Recently, I've been told I was going to hell, spit on, cussed out for approaching someone, told I shouldn't speak up because I look like a "freak". One very masculine appearing person told me "I don't believe in it, I don't agree with it, I don't want to have anything to do with it." Then again, I've had individuals to talk with me for ten minutes, half an hour, even over an hour! Even a few folks just act as if I don't exist, like I'm not standing there speaking or holding space at all. It's sure been varying responses. This is why I say, why would anyone choose to put themselves into a population of folks that are more likely to be murdered, assaulted, arrested, raped, bullied, harassed, and ignored? I am certain I wouldn't choose this, if I wasn't born this. So, for those that don't get it, that choose not to try to understand someone else's lived experiences, I have no time for them either. Those that say it's a choice, are just ignorant and refuse to educate themselves. Unfortunately, many of my family members fit into that category. We press on anyway, despite the hurt, despite the bigotry, despite the transphobia, despite the ignorance. We can only educate those that are receptive. This we why we share our story, to bring understanding, to encourage those that are beaten down by life as well, to purge the old and celebrate the new! We have a beautiful family here in our home, and a wonderful chosen family in the lgbtq community, as well as a handful of other friends that stuck around to discover the true us. They are our family and family matters. Denver turned out not to be that home we originally set out for. Our travels continue to take us to new places and to meet new faces. Some are friendly, others not so much. If I could encourage you to do one thing, it would to be friendly, loving, and compassionate to all our human family members, because family really does matter. Earlier in the week, we received a tongue lashing from a physician at the California Urgent Care clinic. Due to the insurance health plan for this county not being in effect to select a primary care team. The doctor saw fit to strictly inform us this was our fault and they gave us a month's refill already and we should have had it handled; that they really shouldn't give Katherine her refills because a primary doctor should be prescribing it. Katherine has already had to be off her antidepressant for two stints since being here. This makes the third time we've ran into issues concerning getting her hormome replacement therapy since moving here. I believe, California claims to be one of the best places for transgender care. Although, that's not the results we've been seeing. I attempted to explain to the doctor that I had been on the phone with medi-cal and the county health plan office numerous occasions in the past several weeks to get the inter-county transfer completed. However, I was interrupted and told this is the last time this office would help us.
After three days filled with phone calls to the pharmacy, doctors office, and insurance office, we have yet to get an authorization for one of the four medications Katherine takes daily, that just so happens to be one of her HRT medicines. Since neither the doctor nor the pharmacy want to approve the prescription, today, I put in a one-time insurance authorization request for a nurse to approve or deny tomorrow morning. The continuance of Katherine's HRT rests on this one person's shoulders, that is until we can set up primary care. Yesterday we visited health and human services. Our case worker was extremely helpful, friendly, and patient. She lead us around the building to the different locations for our new benefits card, fingerprinting, and tanf. She walked us through the entire application process for cash aid, and was even kind enough to get a child support case going with the state for Jayden's absent parent. She informed us though, we weren't allowed to be mailed the health insurance benefit letters and would need to drive to pick them up. I stopped by today, while Katherine was working her lifeline shift. I was able to retrieve mine and the children's letters, but due to HIPPA, not hers. When Katherine went in, the representative instructed me to let her know she would wait and perform the same actions for her. When Kat got back, she told me the person had given her a harder time, even calling the supervisor down to approve the receipt of her own medical benefits eligibility letter. She was appalled that the staff member knew she was coming in, her name, and what she needed, but still made her go through all that, after her and I both explained she was in the middle of working a shift for a crisis line. Although we keep running into instances like these we press forward, despite how hard others attempt to make it, we are still progressing. Two disability appointments are set to be completed by the first week of April. We have a tee-shirt fundraiser about to launch and polling for the favorite shirt in our Facebook group "Two Trans One Van". We will have a link posted above when that begins. Not only can you find the tee-shirt poll on our Facebook page but also extra content, updates on blog posts, as well as conversation pieces. Please, if you would like to stay updated on the blog until we upgrade to allow subscribers, join the Facebook group, see the link above titled "Facebook". We are looking forward to some upcoming events. We are traveling this weekend hoping to promote the blog and fundraiser in more areas, as we've been doing. Over the weekend we are attending a resistance training, visiting a friend, and hoping to network with even more community members. If you are a reader and like what you see, please share our little blog with the folks around you. Thanks, Jim & Kat! Hello everyone, I'm James, my wife and I are both transgender. We came out while living in Mississippi. It went horribly. Friends stopped responding to phone calls, would only answer texts sparingly, and certainly would never return a missed call. Family turned against us, seeing us both as mentally disturbed, attention seekers, they had been dealing with since they were delinquent adolescents. This was just the final straw, following drugs, self-destructive behaviors, reckless lifestyles, and bad relationship choices. We were written off, by everyone, spare a few non-judgmental distant friends. It was detrimental for our family, not just us two adults but our children who now have to live without their grandparents, aunt, and others because our family members judged us negatively.
Knowing that we are both survivors with PTSD, that stemmed from childhood abuses, I can say that I feel the true reason we were done away with is because they couldn't accept they had failed us. Let me elaborate here. I was about eleven, I finally got up the courage to speak about sexual molestation that occured when I was five. At that time, we lived off of Perkins Rd, I had a six year old friend that lived next door. She happened to have an older brother that was a teenager and in high school. He would take my friends toys, hide them in his room, and have me to come into his room, and exchange sexual favors for the toys. I finally told my father, years later and he laughed at me, told me I was absurd, there was no way that happened. Not long after that he took me for psychological evaluation. I had stolen jewelry to pawn, I had stolen money from my step-mothers wallet, I destroyed a quilt her grandmother made her for a keepsake. They were at the end of their limits with me, and this "lie" was more than they could handle. But, it wasn't a lie. I was afraid to talk to them for so long, because I thought since I showed my private areas I would be punished. When I finally did have the guts, it went way worse than I could have expected. The psychologist was told I have a habit of lying and my parents wanted answers. I was given a 400 question survey about all my experiences, and instructed to be truthful. When I returned it for review and discussed the answers with the counselor, she agreed to see me for several sessions. I went twice a week, on Tuesday and Thursday for several weeks. At the end of it, the "professional" concluded I had fabricated all of my experiences I endured while living with my mother four years. Being molested, being left alone for days at a time, having little to nothing that eat, watching my mother be raped, used, and sell herself to support her crack addiction.. what child do you know making up stories like these? What kind of sick, twisted person did my father believe I was? Here's the part I can't comprehend, if my father actually believes that I lied about all that, then why did he fight to remove me from my mother's custody? Why did the police get called out so many times for me being home alone under the age of 8? He knew atrocious things were taking place but he refuses to acknowledge the pain I went through, he refuses to accept that I wasn't a liar. Now, not only does this not end here, but also it extends to my sister and others. When I would tell them I had seen dad coming home drunk and puking, he would say I lied. Maybe it doesn't matter to you, but when I used to go visit my parents, my step-mother and I would gab about almost everything, but my father wouldn't engage me in conversations about my life, activities, or otherwise. Being excluded matters to me. He would be busy working around with his horses or dogs, then eat, then lay on the couch continuing to turn the volume up to drown out my voice. Does this sound like a person that is interested in their child? Does this sound like a man that loves and protects his children? Not to me. I tell you this to bring light to a life long issue. A painful existence that was a daughter, a wife, a mother. A true horror story at best, but now I'm a husband, father, and the man that I was born to be. I deal with my demons from the past like most with post traumatic stress. But I'm ready to close the door to that ugly past and make a beautiful future! As a child, people that truly were female picked me out to make sure I knew that I was different somehow and they wanted to know why. I was cornered by over a handful of folks in the "girls" locker room during gym class. They pushed me back onto the toilet, drew a penis on my face with a permanent marker, asked me was I gay, asked me what was wrong with me, why was I such a freak? This was in seventh grade. It wasn't just me that felt I was different, it was everyone around me that could tell too. Annette used to tell me I was the manliest woman she knew. What was missing was me connecting the dots. At school I was targeted for bullying and harassment. At home I had a controlling, misogynistic father that would fat shame women, and dismiss me. I felt like the ugly duckling for a long time because I was overweight too. Not accepted, respected, or validated my whole life by every person I encountered, until Katherine. In one fashion or another I've been objectified, suppressed, abused, mistreated, ignored, bullied, targeted, and often excluded. This is not just my narrative. This happens in a lot of people's life that are seen as "different", including by their own parents. Please find ways to listen to others, respect each other, embrace those that hurt.. because if we don't, they can come to the point of self destruction. In some that is completing suicide, in others it's destroying their back, using drugs, loosing their career, their family ties, and end up here like we have.. struggling to start over.. over and over again.. |
Authors:James and Katherine are a transgender couple raising two kids. They were southerners when coming to understand themselves as trans. Ultimately it lead to a nearly three year road trip to find home. Now they are re-housed and still focused on outreach in the transgender community! Archives
October 2020
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