It has occurred to me that perhaps some do not understand what we are doing with our outreach and message. I guess to the stranger we look like a poor, pitiful me story. That isn’t why we began outreach, that’s not why we wanted to tell our story. We want to enlighten the world to acceptance, love, and understanding, becuase we’re living the message for real. We are being the changes we want to see. We’re putting effort into spreading awareness of intersectional issues. We are sharing our stories of oppression, hardships, and discrimination to give examples of what many transgender individuals face on a daily basis. We are working diligently to support, encourage, and lift up those that are marginalized, oppressed, and down-trodden by life’s experiences and other people.
We have an empowered voice to use as an outlet for motivation, inspiration, and change. The intentions behind our story are to bring light to a very dark existence for many transgender folks. The point is to highlight the negative parts we should be striving to change. The goal is to increase awareness of these issues, educate ourselves and others. The goal is to relay this information in an uplifting manner. Having a geniune desire to impact the hearts and minds of others is what launched “Two Trans One Van” in the first place. Beginning the FaceBook group Two Trans One Van, we had hoped to have conversations with friends, allies, and readers. However, it’s not catching on like I’d hoped. I crave to converse with people on the issues that matter, but it seems I have to expand the crowd. I want to move on to different platforms, and try different projects. However, like any other project, capital is needed. We, particulary me, are antsy to get these new projects rolling. When we launched the initial fundraiser for the tee shirts, we were thrilled to have the poll go so well, but disappointed when we had an unsuccessful campaign. We are back for round two, hoping the new shirt design will be more successful. There are eleven days remaining for the fundraiser. If it doesn’t go well, I have decided that since not many of the group members interact and the first campaign wasn’t successful that you all don’t really appreaciate what I’m doing here.. so I will be ending the blog. Hope you better understand where I am at. Thanks for reading and following thus far. I’ve poured out my heart for months, and I feel it was in vain. I feel very unappreciated, lonely, and unsuccessful yet again.
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I'm being as honest and open as possible. I'm usually an open book. I strive to be there for as many folks as I can. Lifting them up, providing them a safe space to be their selves, networking resources for other homeless transgender folks, writing for issues of intersectional equality. Recently, we've been attacked, mocked, and ridiculed by a person that I knew from high school.
I recently wrote about a child that changed their name and gender status on Facebook. When I asked the mother, the person mentioned above, she told me she would be accepting of her child if they were to tell her they are transgender. The child then commented that they were sure and told me they preferred male pronouns. We even discussed their chosen name. I provided resources for a free binder, informational reading regarding coming out, transitioning, and dealing with family members. Which is what I do on a daily basis for the dozen or so support groups I'm a member of, as well as the two groups I moderate. Apparently, she, her husband, and friend led the way in using pictures of vans, homeless people, and extremely transphobic memes. After posting a long status about how some people should mind their own business, get a job, not ask for handouts, and blame society. Since coming out and noticing a great need in the community we decided to begin volunteering countless hours to be supportive of transgender folks, a widely marginalized and oppressed group of individuals. Not only helping with two support groups but also writing for a transgender publication, creating an entire blog of dedication, inspiration, and compassion. Katherine also administrates two transgender groups and has been with the TransLifeline for 14 months. Although our life is unconventional, we strive to live by strong values, with compassion and empathy for others, and to treat others as we want to be treated. Being supportive of a transgender child is treating someone like I would want to be treated. People want to be validated for who they are. Folks want to be seen and understood, children are no different. When witnessing this blatant transphobia and hate in the guise of joking, my thoughts turned to the child. What is he feeling? What does he need? I hope they can access the resources they need to express their true self effectively. Regardless of being publicly humiliated, the truth came out about this person's family. Their true nature is now showing brightly, and I have to say they need major education on how to actually follow though with being supportive. Katherine tells me to keep writing, to keep going. She says the story and message needs to be told, but it is hard to in some moments. I think a lot of times, I'm just saying stuff no one really wants to hear. The project must continue despite the people that want to spread hate. I was attempting to bring stories to you about transgender or gender non-conforming activists, but after reaching out to them, no one followed up. Next, I've tried bringing you stories about homeless transgender folks too. It seems the situations I encounter in my life is all I can truly write about with knowledge. My own lived experiences is what I can present to the world. That's what I have to offer is just simply me. So go ahead judge me for speaking up, ridicule me for being homeless, and attack me for being transgender. I know I'm living my life happily, with selfless compassion, and hope. This week, like most, still managed to find time for reading articles, seeing posts, and blossoming new thoughts. In the transgender community, there has been two recent completions of suicide, and two folks I knew previously in life, that came out. Reminds me of when someone dies, another person is born.
There are transgender people everywhere. Sadly, a few of the articles from this week have called transgender people "diseased", "evil", and "mentally ill". These labels are outrageously transphobic. There are innocent children revealing themselves as transgender nearly daily. Here are people, some of them are our leaders, demonizing and pathologizing the experience and identities of transgender folks. They have been throwing insults, attempting to further marginalize our community. While scrolling through social media in the last several days, there's been countless statuses relating to transphobia, abuse, and cruelty from cisgender peers. We all revolve around the sun together, and maybe someday we can live in harmony with one another. It's incredibly heartbreaking to see my trans siblings suffering at the hands of cisgender folks. In fact the two folks I've known since before they came out, their immediate families aren't being supportive. One is an adult, that is married and has been given an ugly choice. Being stay the same, living a lie, to continue their marriage, or divorce to transition. They aren't the only one going through this. As many of you know, I help to run two online support groups for transgender people. I've seen this ultimatum numerous times expressed in posts in these groups, and others I'm a member of. The second is an adolescent person. When reading through Facebook, I noticed their gender and name change, but shortly after saw their mother referring to them with conflicting pronouns. I politely asked about the pronoun and name difference. To which the reply was more misgendering and the child pitching in a comment referring to their certainty of their chosen pronouns. Situations like these obviously need attention brought to the problematic behaviors by the cisgender people involved. To behave in these manners is acts of violence toward your transgender partner, child, family member, or friend. Let me say this, the ONLY known treatment for gender identity disorder (being transgender), is allowing the trans person the validity of their pronouns, chosen name, and identified gender. With that being said, not everyone wants to change their name, pronouns or appearance, but still identify as transgender, and that's completely valid as well. Something Kat says a lot, and I believe is relevant here and would like to share with newly coming out, or questioning individuals: " No one knows you like you know yourself", and it's absurd to believe anyone can tell you who you are better than you can. You are the best expert on who you are, and how you identify. Don't ever let anyone tell you who you ought to be, just be your authentic self! I hope maybe someday we can erase the lines of division. I hope maybe someday our world will be filled with the authentic versions of each individual, instead of replicated carbon copies of standard "man/woman". I hope maybe someday intersectional equality will be a truth, a given, and an inalienable right Being stuck is never any fun, but futility is often a feeling we have during many stages of our lives. Whether a job has become mundane, a writer has a block, or the kids are rebelling, I've found it necessary to stay positive.
During the past week, we've literally been stuck. With our camper van down, there's been numerous moments that have required patience. Last Tuesday, the camper quit running, trapping us in a restaurant parking lot. While the rest of my little bunch slept, I searched, asked, and pleaded for help to get us across to the travel stop. Knowing we would be okay to rest the camper there. We reached out on social media and to local acquaintances for help creating a plan to get us going again. With the first income in ten months coming in a few days, the only thing to do has been to wait. We hired a couple to work on the van, give a ride to the junkyard to retrieve the used part, we were in hopes could fix the issue. The couple requested money to get a meal, once I gave over the money, they didn't come back. We waited that night until one in the morning, hoping to see them return. The next day, we went about our day, doing laundry, preparing for Katherine to return to her normal work shift. In the early afternoon, I noticed their vehicle was just down from ours. After speaking to them shortly, they gave me a ride to the grocery store, we were out of food. When we got back from the trip, they began on the van. About half way through the re-wiring job, they again requested cash for food, which I gave them again. This time, they sat here eating, when I went over to inquire of the plans for finishing up the camper, I was told they would be right over. That was two days ago, the contact number they'd given me, wasn't in service. Yet again, we found ourselves waiting. We felt disappointed, discouraged, and disheartened with their decision to leave a family in need. Monday, we began calling shops and hotels. Pricing out how much diagnostics would be and a rough estimate for the repair, as well as finding a place to stay while our home is in the shop. After hours of waiting to hear back from the mechanics with a quote, we found its going to be too expensive to take it to a shop, and get a hotel. We are now down to a mobile mechanic option. Having to wait in one spot and feeling utterly helpless hasn't made this any easier to deal with. Auto repair shops have quoted between $100-500, just for diagnostics. Not knowing how much it is going to be to have the actual repair done. We are extremely out of spoons. We have had to pay for rides all over and quickly running out of resources. When things looked so promising just 9 days ago, then 8 days ago happened. We've been inside the truck stop with the children each work night, keeping our family together. We have no lights at night to get ready, we have no way in our home to charge our devices. The over-powering feelings of hopelessness have sunk in deep. Deeper than I care to admit. Between sadness, dissonance, misgendering, liars, and all the other aspects we've been attempting to handle, stress has been at an all time high. Thinking we were out of the water, many times over, disappointment is greater each time. Although we may not have a concrete plan, we still have all we need here at the travel center. The center is complete with showers, septic, 7 restaurants, five gas stations, camper spots, and free WiFi. Nearly as nice as a hotel. Now if we can only get a mechanic... Two Trans One Van is having a tee-shirt fundraiser! Let's do our part to bring understanding to a very marginalized community! By supporting our fundraiser with a shirt, you're not only getting a one-of-a-kind item, but also you're contribution goes to help us continue our outreach, and our blog! We work many hours with the transgender community, helping others, networking resources, offering support and encouragement. Now is the time you can help us to help others.. Get your "Love Birds" shirt and assist us two trans love birds today!!!
As the day goes by, catching rides, borrowing electricity, and resourcing our needs from a truck stop, I notice knew beauty. The teetering of the brown spectacles that lay on the dash as the driver calmly explains repairing electrical wires with a soldering iron. Taking away from that a metaphor for life, even when teetering on the edge, gravity held them in place. Knowing that what keeps us going, is the drive to keep progressing, is the gravity that allows us to stay balanced.
We've had let down after let down in this past week. Having a person reach out to volunteer a ride to the used part place, only to have them block me, not answer my texts, and never showed up to give that ride, I so desperately needed. We had hoped to get the used part and have an electrical technician replace the ECM harness, however the person we lined up to do the job, left after I paid them for equipment, still have yet to return with that equipment. Today, when deciding to go another route to get our camper home fixed, we also concluded we should wash our laundry, and prepare for a shower. Perhaps we will be back up and running soon, but until then I'm still seeing the flowers despite the rain.. For the last several months, we've had a faulty connection with the electronic control module (ECM). While driving along the roadway, the wiring harness to the ECM would cut out and the engine would shut down. Occasionally, being easy to unhook and reconnect, but more often than not would take many repeated tries to successfully restart the motor and restart our journey. At first, this was only occuring a few times a week, slowly it increased in frequency from a few times a week to many times a day, to unfortunately many times each trip.
Yesterday morning we were at a local wifi spot for work. I entered the newest blog post, Katherine completed her shift with the lifeline. With our work completed we began backing out to leave, Kat asked to pull back in because the email of nightly documentation to her supervisor, hadn't finished sending. As soon as I put it back into park, it died and never restarted. The ECM wiring harness that leads to the relays for the engine, is shot. We had been awake since 1130am the day before. Katherine called her father, there weren't any suggestions he could offer. With no one else to phone, we put out a call for help on social media. Within minutes folks began asking about our safety, requesting a list of items to assist, and searching for parts to fix it. Katherine and the kids rested, while I walked to each nearby business to ask if someone with a large truck could move us across the street to safety. After over three hours of asking every person with a truck, I eventually gave up. Luckily, we found a friend that was able to get us moved to safety, since the McDonald's management gave us until dark to have it moved. Once the regular people at our safe area saw we were in trouble with our camper van, they pulled together to get tools, information, and get us settled into a legal spot to park the camper. One helped us charge our phone, another gave us a ride to the grocery store to stock up on needed items, and one other checked out junkyards online for 100 mile radius and found a couple camper vans like ours to call about the harness. I had no idea I would write an entry called "We Need You", and literally that day have numerous people fill our needs during the stressful emergency. We are still stranded, but have lots of good friends, acquaintances, and fellow advocates working to help us this time. I cannot tell you how incredibly grateful we are that folks have been so amazing. There are aspects about being homeless that are really sad, desperately difficult, and extremely stressful. When being swept from a public place the other day, by the police. Feelings of past harassment came rushing back. Like the time I’ve written about before, in Elizabeth, Colorado. Where the officer tried as hard as he could to get Child Protective Services to take our children away, since we “didn’t deserve them”, when we were having to start our lives over.
Recently, we attempted to assist a homeless transgender couple that is currently housed in a leaky shed, outside a trailer park, in southern California. They are both disabled, one I know has Autism and struggles with PTSD. A fellow staff member at the lifeline reached out to Katherine about helping to get resources for them locally. Since I knew of a person in that region that runs a non-profit for transgender outreach, Katherine suggested I contact them. Once the call was put out for help, hygiene items, sleeping bags, a tent, and other necessities for survival were collected and ready to deliver. The advocate I was networking with went above and beyond to help, and even found them a place to stay for 2-3 days, to rest and recuperate from the street. Unfortunately, due to some time constraints, personality clashes, ridicule, and intimidation the donated items never found their way to the desperate couple. The next plan was to have an acquaintance of the couple to meet the advocate and retrieve the much needed gifts. However, before the details could be ironed out, the advocate gave away the items. Instances such as these take place every day. This couple is alone, afraid, without a home, and in need of a place to start over for similar reasons as us. They are transgender and not finding acceptance. When there are folks in need, I can’t see hounding them, degrading them, making hurtful statements about them, or pressuring them to take resources they don’t want. I do believe in getting them the needs they express. I do believe in providing a safe space for them. Even if only through messaging, they can feel free to express their selves. I’ve learned, rather literally, how incredibly hurtful people can be. I read an article about a Yugoslavian artist that decided to become an art project herself. She was dressed plainly, with a note that explained people could do whatever they willed to her for 6 hours and she wouldn’t resist, even as far as to stop rape or murder. She had set up a table nearby with 72 items, among them were a rose, a knife, a razor blade, things to attach, and many others. So many people reacted to her art project. She was put into different positions, things were tied and attached to her. She was stripped of her clothing, she was groped, sexually assaulted, pricked with the thorns of the rose, sliced with the razor blade, even forced to put a gun to herself. After the 6 hours were up, she began walking among the folks that had interacted with her during the presentation time, she noticed none of them wanted to make eye-contact. They didn’t want to be held accountable for their horrible actions. This speaks as to how people will act when their “victim” is helpless, or doesn’t fight back. Like homeless people. Like homeless transgender people especially. Twenty-seven percent of transgender people are living in poverty, similar to us. We, trans folks are far more likely to be disowned, assaulted, isolated, homeless, raped, victims of abuse, neglected, targeted for bullying and even murdered. Unfortunately, and especially transgender people of color. They are the most targeted individuals singled out for oppression, harassment, taunting, rape, violence, and murder. I have some really great contacts, acquaintances, and friends that are actively engaged in non-profits, intersectional events, lobbying for equal rights, and creating mass amounts of inspiration. They have truly helped me to navigate through coming out as transgender, being my authentic self, and learning to adapt in adverse situations to educate those that are ignorant of the importance of intersectionality. Their leadership has impacted my life, heart, and decisions. Their bravery to stand up against bigoted practices, uninformed minds, and xeno/homo/transphobic beliefs has encouraged me to stand face to face with people and converse with them about being transgender, about being homeless, about being survivors living with post-traumatic stress disorder. We are strong, we are mighty, we are fighting to be free! I’m thankful for the dozen or so folks that have really shown me what activism means. It’s a daily fight and everyday life. Activism encompasses every aspect of our lives. Public trips to the restroom have yielded questions about why my children call me “daddy”. Visits to the doctor we’ve even run into problematic behavior and questions, to which we’ve had to take the chance to educate the educated. Education is very critical this day in age. We are coming to understand much more about the human mind and experience. We are learning vasts amounts of information in technology, medical advancements, and archaeological discoveries. NASA is gathering more and more research findings from devices such as: satellites, the space station, and the Mars Rover. We as a human species are evolving, progressing, and discovering all the time. I read somewhere that we are having as many discoveries in ten years as what used to take one hundred years, if that’s true, it’s rather amazing. Life all around us is changing slightly, constantly, gradually. From the growing grass, to the flowing waters of the river, nothing stays the same long. We that were given an extra heaping helping of compassion and a overwhelmingly strong desire to bring about change, have to spread some of that around. Mainly because there are ideologies, beliefs, religions, etc, spreading hate, division, and judgment. We must bring about a global change, starting in our small communities, we have to reach out our hands to those around us that are different, oppressed, struggling. I heard a radio advertisement recently stating that a child that believes in themselves will essentially do better in life. Well, that logic can be applied to all humans, including adults. Any person that is ridiculed, neglected, abused, isolated, judged, and/or targeted, will have a harder time believing in themselves. So, when we go out into the world we will see people of differing races, genders, sexual orientations, ability level, and body size/shape. These are things that are out of our control. You, nor I have control over what race we have been born, nor what gender. My children can’t help that one is going to be taller than the other, because it’s their genetics that choose that, not them or I. A transgender person that is struggling with their newly recognized or newly admitted gender identity need people backing their decision to come out. They need people being compassionate toward them, being understanding that this is for them to be content with their selves. The best thing we can do for any person, from any background, is to be understanding, compassionate, non-judgmental, and accepting. The next best thing is to educate those that aren’t behaving in these ways; bullying, harassment, violence, these are wrong and we should all be working to put an end to these crippling factors in our schools, our communities, and our lives. Kindness and empathy can go a long way in having a positive impact on one’s life. Persons of color, the homeless demographic, the transgender community, and even members of religious groups are often the recipients of varying forms of oppression, violence and hatred. Working against these factors, can help to improve the lives of not only the people around you that fit into these categories, but also can be an encouragement for others to follow suit. We need strong, courageous people standing up to counter these hateful tactics. We need people doing the right thing, more often. We need you! Today brings new hope. Today we were enrolled with a primary care physician for family health-care. We are looking forward to several things we’ve been without for nearly three years. For instance, a bathtub, refrigeration, a closet, an inside kitchen that also doesn’t require assembling. I keep finding myself counting our blessings still, noticing people living on the sidewalks or along the riverbank, in tents. I think about how they might feel about our camper van the way we feel about a home. Though as limited of a space as it is, as grateful as we are to have it, it’s not the sidewalk. I think about our youngest child having no remembrance of living in a permanent home. I wonder how they will respond to having an entire room that is theirs. Oh what hope each today holds.
Living one day at a time has been our life for over two years. Venturing out everyday to ensure enough supplies to maintain a family of four for a day. With a specific amount of storage space, stocking up isn’t something we can easily do. Becoming used to living for a day at a time, has had a major impact on my outlook. Someone recently made the comment that we have a really good attitude about our situation, which is such a compliment. We find it easier to maintain if we keep in mind “It won’t be like this forever”. Being miserable all the time, wouldn’t help us to make the best of our lives. We’ve literally had to be at our lowest, living in a car without any amenities, in order to begin to see blessings in the minuscule. We were forced to reckon with what was truly valuable in our life. We had to cling to each other, be there for one another and our children, like no one had ever done for us before. Learning to cope through such a chronic crisis wasn’t easy. There were many days where one or both of us was beyond our ability to cope. In the beginning, we were scared, alone, in a city where the only folks we knew weren’t accepting our pleas for help, basically turning their backs, yield but one. Our families ignored us, our friends wouldn't answer or return our phone calls and messages. As people walked away one by one, we knew we only had the four of us left to cling to. Being on the street is tough. It’s an unforgiving lifestyle. One wrong move can mean the entire stability could come crumbling down and in the wilderness we would find ourselves. We’ve been stranded with none to call upon. I’ve walked miles in the deep Colorado snow in negative fourteen degree weather, when our car we were living out of was in the shop, luckily we had the settlement to stay at a hotel those few days. We’ve been thrown out into the cold by people claiming to be friends. We’ve been judged, gossiped about, turned away, spit on, cussed out, lied to, manipulated, and all for asking for help in the most desperate of times. I would be barely able to move, back radiating with debilitating pain, and have to go out in the snow and drive cars in the auction to make thirty five dollars a day for food and gas until the next day. We’ve donated plasma so many times for extra money that there are scars in both mine and Katherine’s arms. We’ve cleaned houses all across Colorado, to make ends meet. We’ve had to dig down deep to endure all the ups and downs that have come from complete isolation, absolute desolation, and overwhelming desperation. We have relied on ourselves and each other more than seems logical for emotional and mental support. I can recall one day in particular, feeling really hopeless. I was in such detrimental emotional despair over our situation of being forced to move on to another state to keep our camper home and what little stability we’d had. The overwhelming emotions of that day rush back to me now as I recount the steps I took that day. Eight miles. I walked eight miles that day, over half of it with blisters on my feet, a grinding pain in my left hip, and fairly bad back pain. My mind was freaking out. I was panicked, anxious. Thinking all hope was gone of us making this situation better. Feeling as if we would forever be in this camper, disabled, with no power to relieve our sadness, our worries, or our longing for a home. Screaming next to the interstate as the traffic rushed passed, I was unleashing the torment I felt. Releasing the pent up anger and letting out the “why me’s”. Yelling at the top of my lungs, “When will this end?”. “Where is our family, where is our goodness, where is our home?” “I’m so tired of this”. Along with a lot of “Aaaahhhhhhh”. It was cathartic. It was sheer panic. It was fear of the unknown, it was previously harnessed anger over our continued situation seeming to be our demise. After two days of resting, I was able to move around again. We took the kids to the park, had some quiet time observing their creative imaginations as they played and tottered about the playground. Peaceful moments like this made it better. Seeing our precious children, happy, free to be themselves, and without a care, a stillness slowly filled my heart and mind. Relief. It’s been a tremendous sigh of relief knowing that we are now inching our way to being stable. Honestly, it feels as if all the pieces are falling into place to be stable in more ways than solely financially. Living as our authentic selves, ridding our lives of harmful substances, learning better coping skills, stopping the forms of violence taught to us by our families, and putting into practice effective communication, has brought about a stable family life. It seems this journey is taking another turn for the better. We are extremely thankful for those that have reached out to our little family in solidarity, touched our hearts with love, and brought about a peace of mind for us worrying parents. We are filled with gratitude for the two shirts we’ve achieved thus far in our tee-shirt campaign. Although, we will have to pay out of pocket for three more, we are glad we got to experiment with the fund-raiser. We still hope to be able to upgrade the blog to allow subscribers, but it looks as though we will have to find another route in order to do so, and it won’t be as soon as we had hoped. Looking back over the last two and a half years, we’ve overcome dozens of obstacles which came with just as many panic attacks, but we’ve gained knowledge and strength. We’ve lost many loved ones, both friends and family members, but we’ve gained a stronger bond of trust between the four of us. We’ve learned what true commitment looks like. I’ve met thousands of people along the way, many of them rude, a few handful were really special and an even fewer amount I’ve written about here. We are truly thankful for all the people that have helped us to get through our journey. We can not express enough gratitude for those that actually show up to help. We can not say enough times how happy our hearts our when others are out there helping in direct ways too. Thanks for showing up, thanks for showing out, because we are too! Peace, Love & Solidarity :) The Blake Family James, Katherine, J&J |
Authors:James and Katherine are a transgender couple raising two kids. They were southerners when coming to understand themselves as trans. Ultimately it lead to a nearly three year road trip to find home. Now they are re-housed and still focused on outreach in the transgender community! Archives
October 2020
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