These things have been on my mind lately, and although this post may seem all over the place, it's connected internally to how I'm feeling right now.
Recently, I lost my grandmother. My father's mother. Miriam was a kind, gentle person. She was in her 80's when she passed last month. No one in my own family told me, I heard it through the "grapevine". As a trans person, a high percentage of us are no stranger to family rejection. We are not an exception. As a family of four with three trans people, feeling worthy, feeling equal to isn't an easy feat. Especially when we hear those who say things such as "give a mouse a cookie and he'll keep coming back for more". What if that mouse is disabled yet denied disability 6 times over 9 years? What if that mouse has one main income source, two children to feed & clothe, rent in a larger city just to be safer from transphobia, little-to-no transportation access, and working hard for others for free or close to beans. What if that mouse is a white passing person of color instructed by several darker people not to claim the title of their own ancestors because they are 'too white' or their mixed ethnicity isn't 'definitive enough'. As a person mixed with Louisiana Creole (like Beyonce), however mixed with Cherokee/Spanish/Roma, & French Canadian (white), making me lighter than other "Creole" folks, I feel proud of my ancestry. At the same time, I feel oppressed due to my not white, but not dark enough skin color to be seen as my authentic self. When identity doesn't match the packaging, it can be very difficult to navigate life. In 2009, my back was broken, three of my vertebrae then compressed my spinal nerve bundle, leading to bilateral sciatica, and me being on bed rest and in a wheelchair for over a year. But I was accused by my father of "taking the easy way out" of life by trying to seek disability. My invisible disability, like my invisible ethnicity, and my invisible gender identity all made life seem impossible to be affirmed as myself. Guess my point is, no matter where I go, my existence continues to be up for "debate" by those who make assumptions. Yes, I was assigned female; no, I am not a woman. Yes, I am white-passing; no, I am not a white person. Yes, I am disabled; no, it does not show on the outside. Although, I have sought out medical transition for my gender identity to show externally, there isn't a way for those other parts of my identity to really show through. It's rather scary honestly, to be perceived now as a middle aged white cis-man, which is so far from the truth. At home, Kat and the kids affirm me as the disabled, queer, Creole man I am. They understand my limitations, understand my background, understand my experiences. I know others won't get it just by looking at me. But, it would be nice for folks to take my word for who I am and what I've experienced. It is so disheartening to know my own family talks terribly of me, strangers deny pieces of existence, and my children and us simply stay at home. We work from home, do school from home, and pretty much just stay home since A) there isn't any money 2) we often do not feel safe. Yes, we had dinner out for my birthday, but that put us in the hole. Yes, we have "new to us" clothes, but I went dumpster diving to get them. Yes, we are no longer living in our camper van, but rent is steadily on the rise, and has increased 3 times since we moved in 2 years and three months ago. Kat got a raise, but that put us in a higher tax bracket, so more taxes get taken out, so we get a minimal amount of increase, and now no food stamps, but we've sure seen our rent go up $240 per month, for this already expensive, tiny place we live in. Don't get me wrong I'm thankful we don't live in our van any more, but it would be nice to be able to keep our own heads above the water. We have to believe and keep faith that GOOD THINGS ARE GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN! Because if we don't keep that faith, we get seriously down. Please don't assume about people, please don't see just the outside shell and make judgements - - you may be completely wrong.
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Authors:James and Katherine are a transgender couple raising two kids. They were southerners when coming to understand themselves as trans. Ultimately it lead to a nearly three year road trip to find home. Now they are re-housed and still focused on outreach in the transgender community! Archives
October 2020
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